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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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12:44 am - Posted using TxtLJ
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Hating, you give up nothing. Love, you've given up all. So I smirk at all of y'all while you await my downfall.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 12th, 2009
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8:33 pm
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What a weekend. I got a lot of things off my chest and I feel so much better. I filled my parents in on a lot of whats wrong with me, hopefully now my mom will stop worrying I'm gonna hurt myself. That's been kind of annoying. I slept two nights in a row soundly for the first time in quite a while. I had a good solid weekend taking care of myself.
For the first time in a couple months I can say I'm looking forward to the week ahead of me. There's a downer of a funeral tomorrow (my dying Uncle previously mentioned passed away earlier this week, I think it was probably for the best, what with all his problems) but I'm gonna try and salvage it by stopping off in Modesto to visit Jaime who I haven't seen in about a year! Then there's a job interview and fingers crossed a new job on the other side of it waiting for me. Maybe I finally can even go back to saving money again! And to top it off, I've made not one but 3 new friends, 2 of which I might already have plans this week with! Oh and a friend-date with Mulysa for the post secret show! I'm gonna be a busy one.
I'm hoping that I'm starting to see the sun through the storm. Only time will tell though. I feel much more centered and ready for whatever is coming than I have for a long time. I hope it lasts a while.
current music: Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man | Powered by Last.fm
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8:32 pm - Scary!
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| Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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10:09 am - Reasons why I miss Mulysa:
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Opening IM line:
mulysa (10:35:25 AM): wanna go to post secret exhibit next tuesday morningish? (i checked the giants schedule before asking :-) )
me (10:35:37 AM): hahaha
me (10:35:40 AM): yes I do
mulysa (10:35:50 AM): lol...well i thought about it yesterday and then realized the season was starting
me (10:35:56 AM): I only have tickets to the opening series
mulysa (10:36:10 AM): (i don't know what that means)
mulysa (10:36:16 AM): hahahhaha
That was good for a nice laugh. Plans to see the Postsecret exhibit next week, random lines, maybe a burrito.
current music: The Shins - Mine's Not a High Horse | Powered by Last.fm
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| Sunday, April 5th, 2009
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7:13 pm - Posted using TxtLJ
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Giants beat hated Dodgers with just one more day to pass before opening day! Woo woo woo!
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| Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
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9:17 pm
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Update on my Uncle, over the weekend the medical staff in Bakersfield was telling us his brain aneurysm may be repairable. After more in depth examination today they decided that there was no surgery option as the aneurysm is in a place that isn't reachable. His doctors told my other Uncle, the one who lives closer and has been dealing more with this day to day than my parents have, that he could live 2 hours or he could live 2 years, point being that the aneurysm in his brain could burst anytime. On top of this no one really knows what the swelling in his brain will do to his already diminished brain function he had from the dementia. My Uncle and Aunt, the still healthy ones, are looking for a full time nursing home for Jerry now, as opposed to the dementia center he'd been in, though no one seems to think he'll be there long.
My Dad asked me to go with him tomorrow to the funeral home in Atwater where Jerry's wife was buried in the fall of 07. The plot next to hers is already there and waiting for Jerry, we just need to go pick out a casket, service, and finalize arrangements as to who will pick up his body and how it'll be handled etc to get him there. Cheery stuff eh? Yeah, you may be able to tell how forward I'm looking to tomorrow.
I'll have just enough time after the funeral home trip to try and make my face into stone and go to work where I'll do my best to pretend like I'm not at all bothered by the drinking and laughing and good times being had around me.
current music: Bon Iver - Flume | Powered by Last.fm
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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11:46 pm - Current Trend: Bad to Worse
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Today my Uncle, the one with dementia who's wife died a couple years back, was discovered to have pneumonia in his lungs, kidneys failing, and a burst brain aneurysm causing his brain to swell. In addition there was hardly any oxygen in his blood to measure. He's currently in a hospital in Bakersfield, he was moved there today from Visalia after the Visalia hospital discharged him yesterday as being fine.
I have a feeling my weekend will be given away to going to Bakersfield with my parents.
I found this all out tonight. I really don't know what to say.
current music: Sparta - Tensioning | Powered by Last.fm
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| Monday, March 23rd, 2009
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4:34 pm - Nightmares
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Lately I really haven't been sleeping well. I find it hard to actually go to sleep, I need to distract myself from my own thoughts to trick my mind into not thinking. When I get stuck thinking all I do is toss and turn awake. I sleep best on Monday mornings usually because on Sunday nights they've been playing the Planet Earth series on the Discover Channel. Something about the narrator's voice is very soothing to me. Combine that with the imagery and I can get lost in it all and just sort of drift off to sleep before I know it. Last night I almost slept well, the trick worked like a charm but, something woke me up around 5am and for another 2 hours I tried to just drift back to sleep but instead I had nightmares. I think I cried out at one point, I know tears came, more I'd rather not mention. I'm not looking forward to this week if my Monday morning went so badly. I'm feeling really drained today, haunted almost, I feel like a ghost. Wait, no I don't. That's just silly.
The rest of the week I only have a book to get me to sleep, I typically have to read til my eyes start to blur, I often fall asleep book in hand still and find myself clutching it in the morning, or else its been thrown around my bed. Despite these tricks I still don't really sleep all that well more often than not. There isn't enough time or there just isn't enough peace in me yet. That sounds better, maybe.
Despite my drained mind I got myself motivated and hiked about 5 miles today. I found another new trail. I got this sensation hiking this unknown trail today I can't liken it to too many things. Maybe really good sex and pushing a fast car to its absolute limits. As the forest closes in around you until there is almost no link to the real world you came from, it comes with these unique sounds, smells, sights, sensations, your senses are all on high alert. Everything you sense seems amplified in a way, your mind races processing it all. The smells, sights, sounds and sensations are all unique for each of those activities but I feel that there is an element of danger in each that is where my mind has made the connection. With each you never quite know if you're chasing the danger or if its you who's being chased by it. Its there either way and there's something exhilarating about the whole thing.
The dangers in this urban forest are probably not as great as I can imagine them when my senses are filled with nothing but that forest. There are some skunks, I've encountered 4 so far in the past few weeks, or at least their smell, never quite spotted the actual animal, the scent was always coming with the wind. There may be a very small number of mountain lions but I would lay the odds of coming across one lower than being hit by lightning. The most dangerous thing you can run across besides slipping and falling somewhere would probably be another person and I would say 99.(a bunch more 9's)% of the people you come across have no intent to harm you. Still you have to be on your toes and paying attention to where you make turns, where you've been, how to get back.
I came across someones attempt to mark a trail every once and a while with what looked like flour or some sort of other fine white/beige powder. I thought of Hansel and Gretel and laughed at how easily their trail could disappear. I chose not to mark my trail as I went on and off the actual trails other than the normal things you do by moving through dense woods, breaking fallen branches and twigs as you walk, footprints etc. I came across a fallen tree that went across a little valley maybe 15 feet below. It feel between a bend in the mountainside. On my way up I made note of it and hiked on on the trail. I chose to push my danger by walking back across it on my way down. I could have been in some bad shape if I'd slipped off it, I was hiking alone, it wasn't a huge fall but I could have easily twisted or sprained something in the fall, there would also have been poison oak to get out of and some thorny looking bushes (some offshoot of manzanita I'd guess). I thought of all these possibilities before I decided to cross the log and I think I made my choice in spite of them.
Lately I've been feeling like the force that moves fate, whatever it may be has been throwing whatever it can at me, almost like I was being punished. I've been feeling sorry for myself, I've been upset, angry even, at circumstance and the world I'm in, at the people in my life, about the people no longer in my life. I've felt unable to affect any of these things I see and can't stand. I fully believe that as individuals we have the ability to affect our circumstance more often than not but I would say in most of the past year I've felt like I've lost a lot of my control over the course I've been on. My choices have been few and all keep coming up wrong when I make them, the failure has been eating away at my consciousness til I can hardly stand to even think about making a new choice. Its been maddening. I say I pushed my luck on that log because as I made that choice I feel like I was standing up to circumstance, I knew it was dumb and somewhat dangerous. I'm not the most agile or graceful person but I believed in my abilities none the less to cross that log, maintaining my balance and grip without falling. I feel like I was staring fate down with my decision, daring it to try and throw something more at me. I was a little triumphant upon reaching the other side that I had made it and stood my ground without backing down.
I'm not sure any of this makes much sense. These are some of the thoughts that occupy my mind currently though and I'm tired of keeping them inside.
current music: Stars - In Our Bedroom After the War | Powered by Last.fm
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| Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
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4:32 pm - Posted using TxtLJ
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Walking among tall eucalyptus trees, watching them dance in the strong winds.
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| Sunday, March 15th, 2009
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12:23 am - There's a song called Bad Diary Days I used to really love
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Sometimes I have a horrible day for reasons I can't even qualify. Today was one of those days.
I worked from 8am to a little after 9pm. That might've had something to do with it I suppose. But ultimately not much. I just got so angry tonight. Really out of character.
I'm exhausted from too little sleep last night and driving 300 miles today. I'm hoping I'll feel better in the morning.
I'm still just so damn angry though and I don't know why.
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| Saturday, March 7th, 2009
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1:55 pm
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Last Thursday I re-discovered a park I'd only been to once before high up in the Oakland hills. I'd been introduced to it while Shauna and I were on rather rocky footing by her so I think my opinions of it weren't all that high in my memory. I'd had a particularly frustrating day of taking care of my Dad Thursday in which nothing had gone right and I was already feeling at the end of my emotional control to begin with. I had been going to see Rosemary after days like that with my Dad and her presence had strong calming effects on me, especially when she'd tell me how great of me she thought for the time and dedication I'd been giving my Dad. Since I couldn't see her that day I decided to stop at this park again and took a very long meandering drive from Berkeley all through the hill tops to the park, enjoying the really spectacular scenery and the challenging roads. By the time I arrived at the park I was feeling a little better already.
I sat for about 2 hours alternately reading, resting my mind, breathing in deeply in and out to calm myself, and enjoying the great views. It occurred to me during that time that I wanted to come to this park more often and I made a plan to go at least 2-3 times a week and use its many expansive hiking trails to help raise my stamina and general health.
Its now Saturday and I've been able to to spend first 2 hours yesterday and a little over a hour today in that park and I'm already feeling much more in control of my emotions and life in general. I still get these waves of intense sadness every time someone asks me, "How are you?" As my mind starts to calculate everything all told I'd been losing control, I would clam up, try to say fine and make the line of questioning go away, tears would fall. Its been all bad. I feel that this park and my time in it can be a new source of potential strength for me to draw on as I try to move forward. Since I've started I've been asked several times that same how are you question and so far the waves haven't felt quite as intense as they'd been before. I was able to keep my feet on the ground as they hit me, maintaining my composure, and most of my ability to speak. I believe this is already a huge improvement for me.
I have something during the day to look forward to, I've really enjoyed my time in the park so far and when I have a little more time I think I'll write more specifically about the space and some of the things I've found and seen already. For the moment though I have somewhere else I must get to.
I'm not sure if this was a good idea at this point or not but I made another date today, a different girl than the previous first week or so prior. So, first date part deux is today. I think whether this goes well or not I'm going to approach this from a more friendly aspect, I'm just not put together enough to be dealing with my heart around strangers. I could however use some good new people to just interact with.
I guess we'll see as always.
I do want to say one thing in case I don't get to writing about my experiences specifically. Today I discovered the funeral pyre of a local poet, who lived more than a century ago. Apparently he never got to use it. I was excited to learn more about this story. I also found a space on the grounds that I'm thinking of contacting to do some volunteer work, preserving the local watershed and native plant life.
I'm trying to embrace the concept of spring, rebirth, growth, new life. I think that might fit well into the foundation I'm trying to lay.
current music: Damien Rice - Delicate | Powered by Last.fm
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2009
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8:27 pm - Posted using TxtLJ
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I'm always a little amazed and disgusted at the same time whenever I see a man come out of the toilet and not wash his hands.
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2009
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11:08 am
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I discovered a minor oil leak in my car, I think its most likely in need of a new PCV valve. A relatively minor fix but an annoyance none the less. In other news I finally put in my sun visor clip that she broke. And I'm finding myself so profoundly sad today, for reasons I don't really understand. I think I have a date this week but I fear I'm moving too fast. I'm feeling really down, confused, lost, and rather directionless.
I think I really need to talk to her but the best thing to do seems to be to give her time and let her make the next contact. I'm just not sure how long I can do this.
current music: DJ Shadow - What Does Your Soul Look Like (part 2) | Powered by Last.fm
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
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9:26 pm
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My fortune cookie says: "Don't underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time."
I say, its not fair.
current music: The Oohlas - Gone | Powered by Last.fm
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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10:08 am - Am I magical enough for this to happen?
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A lovely duet of a song (performed with ukulele) I took from a recent episode of Scrubs.
Stephanie(S): I've got so many questions in my mind.
Ted(T): I've got so many answers to find.
S: Can you be the man, I've imagined?
T: Am I magical enough for this to happen?
S: Because I like you,
T: I like you,
S: I like you,
T: I like you.
Both: And like can lead to like-like, and like-like can lead to love...
Both: Sure as the stars above I'd really like to
S: screw you; (T)kiss you.
T: Oh!!
S: Oh!
T: Can I be the man you're looking for?
S: Can I be your girl for evermore?
T: I'll try real hard not to lose her.
S: And I'll try to be less of a loser.
T: Because I like you,
S: I like you,
T: I like you,
S: I like you.
Both: And like can lead to like-like, and like-like can lead to love...
Both: Sure as the stars above I'd really like to
S: kiss you; T: screw you,
S: screw you; T: kiss you;
S: kiss you; T: screw you;
S: screw you; T: kiss you;
Both: Screw you!
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, February 13th, 2009
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2:39 pm
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My cat is alive! This good news along with a lil anger have me with an appetite for the first of 4 days. Also my mom thinks I'm good looking, that's cool right?
Sigh....
current music: the pillows - Come Down | Powered by Last.fm
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| Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
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9:15 am
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
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10:26 pm
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I watched an on demand episode of scrubs and it was making me smile a lil when the Todd gave a Grover-four. Get it? Grover the Muppet from Sesame street has only 4 fingers. Genius right?
Then a fairly young father with an 8 year old son died of cancer and I lost it and became a worthless ball of flesh spewing mucous again.
Go team.
I also laughed at Elmo checking out the new good looking female intern on the show.
I'm such a mess.
current music: Scrubs
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8:04 pm - Always the one left.
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These are the times when I feel like I will always be the one left wondering why and what I did wrong...
Never the one to leave.
I was starting to wonder why I still have a lj, I hardly use it anymore, now suddenly I recall how emo I used to be.
current music: Veda - Trade This Fear | Powered by Last.fm
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| Monday, September 15th, 2008
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12:10 pm - Posted using TxtLJ
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SF MOMA sent me a birthday card today in the mail! Still waiting to hear whether I'll be working with the main museum team for the Fall. *fingers crossed!
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